Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Stories, Books and Life

April 2008--Kevin has a conference in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, next month so there are travel brochures on top of the chemotherapy research and the lab reports. I plan to explore the area a little while he is in meetings. My favorite book on perennials is pulled out on the bookshelf. Normally there would be a stack of gardening books out by this time in the spring and a list of what I wanted to plant and divide in the gardens. We downsized the collection of gardening books along with the gardening when I moved over in January.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

The BoogeyMan

We had a strange phone call today. From the BoogeyMan.

He said he is coming to make a mess in our peanuts (and here I've been blaming the raccoons for the mess) and eat all our candy. Apparently the BoogeyMan is on a boogey crime spree--he called up Tante Kelly to say he was going to her house to eat her candy and her kitties. AND he left a message (the BoogeyMan apparently has good phone manners) for Aunt Gina saying he was going to eat her puppies.

I tried to scare the BoogeyMan. "I have a grandson named J-Dogg who will beat you up if you mess up our peanuts." The BoogeyMan was not impressed. He said he had already been to J-Dogg's house.

However, Joshua (aka J-Dogg) called soon after. He tells me that the BoogeyMan can be captured and subdued with M&Ms.

I was amazed that Joshua knows so much about catching Boogey Men.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

The Best of Both Worlds

Quiet day. Kevin napped intermittedly and caught up on some paperwork in between. His headache lingers, his fingers are refusing to cooperate as much as he would like and he has a general flu-like ache and nausea. Hello, Chemotherapy.

By evening he was ready for a change of scenery but not up to a walk or even much of a ride. We headed for his favorite sunset spot out on Cowan Lake, just minutes away.

Ohio state parks are abundant, free and underused in this area. Cowan Lake is quiet and peaceful much of the time. I take a few shots of tiny wildflowers peeking up in the woods. We watch herons land lakeside and listen to ducks calling across the water.
Sunday evening is our typical catch up time for phone calls. We call his mother, careful in what we say for she still has no knowledge of his cancer. We talk to Paige and Kelly. We call my sister and hear about chicks being hatched, lightening strikes on the farm house, the escape and capture of an errant bull.
This is the best of both worlds for Kevin. He's sitting at a peaceful lakeside watching the sun set while chatting to friends and family via cell phone. Technology and nature combined. I know he's thinking it doesn't get any better than this.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Fluttering Moments

Kevin is pretty tired and achy today but he wanted to get out for a little while. We drove into Eden Park to visit Krohn Conservatory. The butterfly show is in progress there. It was fun to watch hundreds of butterflies flitting about and more fun to watch the people reacting to them. We got a kick out of one little girl who walked around nearly an hour with one butterfly perched on the front of her dress.

Didn't take long for the butterflies to wear Kevin out so we headed home.
Drove through the hills and valleys around Fort Ancient on our way and got a couple of pictures. Notice the road way below in the valley and the road sign indicating the switchback curve ahead of us.
The other shot is a little roadside antique place. Kevin doesn't have much patience with antiques and old things--he calls this the "junk shop" and thinks it's a bit of an eyesore. On spring and fall weekends it is crowded with a steady trickle of Cincinnati suburbanites crawling out to the countryside and shelling out their hard earned dollars for a bit of authentic country junk.
I think the junk shop owner is a genius.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

THREE TO GO

Nine down, three to go.

Kevin got the infusion pump off this morning--you can actually see him relax and feel better once that's gone. He's a little more nauseous today but managing ok.

We had a nice surprise in the mail today from our friends John and Elaina Balser. John is one of Kevin's oldest friends--he pre-dates even me in knowing Kevin. The Balsers attended the Papal Mass in Washington D.C. last week. Today we received two special rosaries, made to commemorate the papal visit, which were blessed by Pope Benedict at the conclusion of the mass.

John and Elaina had emailed us earlier about the incredible experience they had in attending the mass and had let us know they offered prayers for us while they waited for Mass to begin and again during the blessing of the various religious items in the possession of those attending the mass.

John and Elaina remind me of those Mastercard commercials. You know the ones where the voice-over sums up the costs associated with some aspect of life. The commercial for John and Elaina would conclude like this:
Friends like the Balsers.............Priceless.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Same Day, Part Two

I love it when he feels better.

This morning he busted open a knuckle when he caught the bedframe while making the bed. (Don't judge me, cookie, just because my guy makes the bed. If you're keeping track, he also sweeps the floors, takes out the trash and kills spiders. Some people have a pre-nup because of financial concerns, ours was negotiated around housework. Point #1...The last person out of the bed for the day, makes the bed...Point #9 ...Kevin doesn't cook meals that require more than one pan. Bed making and floor sweeping fall somewhere in between.)

With his low platelet count, a scraped knuckle bleeds copiously, warranting a major bandage effort. He headed off to work with his hand bandaged as if there had been a chainsaw mishap not a scrape with the headboard.

Fast forward to this evening when he arrives home from work. We are sitting outside and I notice the bandage on his hand.

"You've bled through your bandage!"
"Hmmm," he says. And he looks at it more closely. He sniffs it.
Sniffs it??
I urge him to let me clean it up and put on a new bandage. Infection is an ongong risk with his lowered blood counts.
He waves off my concerns. I'm getting frustrated. Patients on a FOLFOX regimine are warned about taking care of their hands and feet.
A few minutes pass before he says,out of the blue, "It's chocolate."
"Huh?"
"It's not blood. It's chocolate. Chocolate chip. I might have been a little messy. I don't get to eat cookies all that often these days."

The Vagaries of Chemotherapy

Call it superstition. Or luck. Or planning. But it has generally worked well for Kevin when we maintain a pretty close routine especially during the week of chemotherapy.

Last time we didn't vary from the routine, though, and he had a miserable 10 days or so during and following his treatment. We chalked it up to the cumulative impacts we were warned about and he just sort of steeled himself to be in greater misery each time from here to the end of treatment.

Last night was a pleasant surprise when he felt pretty good, ate well, worked a little, rested a little. And he had a decent night's sleep which is very rare on the nights he has the infusion pump. He showed up from work around lunch time, hungry for a change. Still no cold stuff and he says room temperature lemonade is not all that good! But it was great that he felt well enough to eat--it's usually something he has to force at this point in a treatment week, especially the last time around.

After a short nap, he headed back over to his office for the afternoon. I think I saw him pawing around in the cookie tin before he left.

Who knows what goes on his body that changes the impacts of those drugs from week to week. We accomodate those things we know about, try to avoid what we can, prepare him for what we can't avoid. And then, from there, it just goes however it goes each time.

So we'll see what the rest of the evening, and the week, brings. And, once again, thankfully count our blessings for today!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Number Nine, Up and Running

Chemotherapy day again. Number Nine up and running. 3/4 of the way through.

Kevin had an early appointment today--8 a.m. It was pretty quiet in the clinic for the first hour or more so he got in a needed nap which has helped him through the day. Another couple of hours of napping this afternoon has helped tremendously.

Doctor added Magnesium to his medicines here at home because of low levels in his blood work. His hematocrit, RBC and platelets are low too, apparently part of the game. I'm taking all sharp objects away from him--don't want him bleeding out over a paper cut this week.

Gorgeous day today--upper 70s and sunny. We ate supper out on the patio tonight then stayed outside and Kevin caught up on some work via his laptop.

Kevin went down to fill the feeders--a far cry from that blizzard day a couple of months ago when I caught him trudging up the hill in the snow just hours after chemotherapy. He looks like a dedicated bird watcher out there--the infusion pump draped over one shoulder like a binocular case and his hat in place to shield his eyes from the glare and his balding head from a quick sunburn. He's lost some more weight and looks more frail this week.

All in all Kev says he's feeling pretty good though. Not as blasted as he immediately felt last treatment; a wonderful and unexpected blessing.

But I still see the tell tale signs of those side effects creeping in---a cookie with only two bites out of it--anyone who knows Kev knows he would never willingly neglect a chocolate chip cookie this way--and room temperature water, no ice, sitting in his glass instead of the ice cold milk he believes is the only thing properly matched to a good cookie. The cold sensitivity is already in full swing, his appetite is fading and the perpetual headache of chemotherapy week has set in fast.

It's always such a roller coaster. There are no small health concernss for him right now because you always worry that they are indicative of some BIG something lurking below. We spend 11 days trying to build him back up so the chemotherapy drugs can kick the shit out of him again for these three long days.

So we go on from here and see where this week takes us on this road. He feels pretty good tonight, given the day. Even in the very real moments of side effects and doubts we remain certain of the blessings and bounty of our days.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Tears and Giggles

I can always tell when we have letters from the kids in Lafayette. Kevin comes out of the post office with a big smile on his face.

Haylee writes often with her mommy's help. Today we had letters from Hannah, Andrea and Evan.

It's one of those up/down moments.

We love to hear from them and the letters are always filled with pictures and funny little things they say.

They're also sometimes filled with pleas for us to come home to Indiana. Today's letters were that variety.

I see Kevin's eyes fill with tears when Hannah's letter starts with "Nothing will be the same without you" and Evan says "I don't want you to stay in Ohio forever."

I remind him that farther into the letters the kids tell us they are having fun and making new friends in school and daycare.

That makes him a little more tearful. They are moving on without us, just like they're supposed to do, but it's still hard not to see it on a daily basis.

Hannah ends her letters with a joke. She thinks she's terribly funny and I can picture her giggling as she penned her letter.

What side of the chicken has the most feathers?

The OUTside!

Kevin laughed out loud through his tears.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Kevin finally started feeling better this weekend. Eating a little more.

And already dreading having to return on Tuesday for another round.

This is when I really miss being close to friends.

The emails with reminders of continuing prayers are great. We really appreciate them. But I think Kevin could do with some hugs and face to face pep talks at this point.

I thought about driving over to Lafayette for the weekend but he's just too worn out for the trip.

Four more times. He's done eight now. Just four more.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

The Loophole of a Cure

Friends and family often ask about Kevin's cancer being in "remission" after treatment.

It's not a word we hear from his doctors.

His doctors talk about when we can consider him cured.

I want him to not have cancer. No signs. No symptoms.

Ever again.

Do I want to know his cancer is cured?

Maybe. Not so much.

There's a whole negative loophole here.

After a certain amount of cancer free time (5.6 years, in the current precision measurement), he is considered cured. But it could still come back. Not likely. But possible.

I figure there's only one way to know he's cured of cancer. And that's when he doesn't obviously have cancer and he dies of something else.

So do I want to know he's cured of cancer?

Not as much as I want him to not have cancer.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Trust Bill to Finish Your Prayers

Kevin feels bad when he falls asleep mid-prayer. And it happens a lot these days.

His friends Bill and Dolly gave him this rosary. Bill died a few years ago after a long health battle. I'm convinced that Bill finishes those prayers when Kevin is too tired to get through them on his own.

Seven days and Kevin is still pretty done in from the last treatment. Just beat.

He eats a little because I fix it and sit in front of him. But the nausea keeps him from eating much and he says the bad taste in his mouth makes everything waiver between bland and nasty.
He's not sleeping well either. His side of the bed is lit by the glow of either computer, iTouch or Blackberry. Thank you, Lord, for electronic toys. They keep his mind off that circular path of "I'm so tired/I can't sleep."

In the mornings I wake up tangled in his rosary because he's finally fallen asleep in the midst of prayers. I set the beads on the nightstand and know his prayers are completed. Thanks, Bill.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Chemo-anything-but-therapy

Kev's still feeling rotten from last week's chemotherapy treatment.

Therapy my ass.

They need new words. "Chemo-therapy treatment" sounds like a spa thing. A nice facial, a massage, maybe a mud wrap.

Something where you leave feeling better than when you arrived.

This week it's known as "chemo-kick-you-in-the-head-make-you-feel-like-crap-and-hope-it-doesn't-kill-you-before-it-saves-you treatment."

I hate this stuff. I can't even muster up any perky "at least it's not as bad as it could be..." tonight. He shouldn't have to feel this bad for this long.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Day Three, again.

Day Three. Infusion pump goes away for another 12 days or so and Kevin can start to recover again from another treatment. He's tired, he doesn't feel well, nothing tastes good...it's all accumulating heavily this round.

There's something wrong with this whole concept of making him so sick in order to get/keep him well.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Day Two, Cycle 4-15...

Middle day--translates to "sleep was elusive last night and will be again tonight." I think Kevin finally dropped off around 2 a.m. this morning. The headache is really wearing on him and the neuropathy is increasing.

Four or five liters of water a day to hurry the drugs through his system mean hourly wake up calls when he does finally fall asleep. Exhaustion means he forgets to grab the infusion pump as he stumbles out of bed. Six feet of IV tubing away and he is jerked back to reality like a dog on a chain.

It's a darkly funny scene when he is feeling well and heart breaking when he is not.

He does a good job of pushing through the worst of the side effects most of the time, but he's done in this time. Just plain exhausted from the fight.

Hopefully we'll see things start to improve by the weekend.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

2/3 of the Way There...

Chemotherapy day again. Treatment #8 means Kevin is 2/3 of the way through.

It's beautiful outside today--low 70s and sunny. There is a racket of birdsong from the woods behind us and the feeders are in constant use. Kevin likes to watch the little goldfinches on the thistle socks.

We came home from the clinic and he fell asleep outside on the patio. The fresh air will, hopefully, help clear some of the chemotherapy cobwebs away and let him rest well. It felt good to peek ouside and see him napping there in the warmth.

Another indicator of how much cancer has changed me. Who knew I could get all warm and fuzzy over Kevin's ability to take a mid-day nap?

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Buy Season Tickets for the Zoo

.. my advice for the day. Buy season tickets to the zoo.

Kevin felt like he needed some fresh air and motion so we decided to put our "Grandparent's Season Pass" to use. A zoo pass is the kind of thing you buy when your kids are little, which is a good fiscal idea--going to the zoo isn't a cheap date.

It ought to be the kind of thing you buy when your kids are all grown up.

Going to the zoo is just good for you. No matter your age.

The Zoo Blooms event was starting and the place was packed. So we got a look at the Manatee exhibit and the big cats and some rhinos before we decided we were done for the day. No tram running so we didn't even do our usual scenic sit and tour of the place!

We talked about returning next week--the glories of purchasing a season pass each year. We go as often as we want and leave when we've had enough--no feeling we have to stay and 'get our money's worth.'

I was looking for photos from today to add to the blog and found this one. I snapped it in 2006 when Kevin was being mobbed by lorikeets in the aviary. My claim to fame is that the zoo members newsletter published the photo in one of their issues last summer. Well, my near claim to fame since they got Kevin's name right in the caption and spelled my name wrong!

That big carefree smile. We're going to get him all well and have that thing plastered on his face again soon.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Small Sacrifices

Josh and Paige headed home to Indiana yesterday afternoon. They stayed Saturday and Monday nights with us, venturing off to Columbus on Sunday where they explored COSI and stayed at a hotel/waterpark for Sunday night. Josh had a blast at the waterpark.

Kev's tired from the busy weekend pace--he fell asleep by 8 last night--but he's feeling better now and he enjoyed being able to get out and explore a little. Being a grandparent is a great thing--we get invited to enjoy all of the adventures with the knowledge that we get to return to a quiet home and rest!
Josh and Kevin organized a Monday evening raid on Graeter's Ice Cream. Kevin has discovered that as the cold induced neuropathy fades in the days following treatment, a hot fudge sundae can cut most of the pain from eating ice cream. He says the nerve pain that gets past the hot fudge is a small sacrifice to make in order to be able to have ice cream!