Tough Love

Kevin is frustrated and upset by the continuation and intensity of side effects. He wants to quit treatment.

I am alternately concerned about his health, physical and emotional, and annoyed that he wants to pack it in at the first sign of real adversity in this battle.

Harsh words I know. It's time for some tough love around here.

It probably looks on the outside like it's easy from my side of things to tell him to suck it up and refocus on the goal. To remember the one thing I asked of him in all of this: If you begin treatment, please finish at least these first 4 treatments. Do not make me worry that you have teased any microscopic cancer cells by merely wounding them. I do not want an antagonistic retaliation of wounded and angry cancer cells in your body.

Stupid reasoning. Possibly. But mine.

It's not easy. Certainly not for him. Not for me. While Kevin's fight is obviously on the front line, I wage behind the scenes battles of my own.

I have been the bearer of bad news for this man for more than 3 months. I would like someone else to be the bad cop for a while.

I remember that he began this part of the journey by acknowledging that he is a rule follower. That he will not feel he's done the best he can do for himself, for us, if he regrets not following the best advice of those that know, his doctors.

I can encourage Kevin by agreeing with how bad he feels and giving a non-committal acquiescence to his desire to stop treatment. If I do this I ignore how he feels underneath the surface of side effects, who he is.

Or I can encourage him by agreeing with how bad he feels and reminding him how strong he is; that he chose this knowing it wouldn't be easy but believing it was the best chance for him--for us, that he has the prayerful support of many people and he can let those prayers, this grace, carry him through the difficult times.

I opt for the tough love approach. The bad cop again.

I play my big card and remind him there is one more treatment to go in his promise to me.

I know my husband.

His biggest fear isn't cancer. Or chemotherapy and its side effects.

His biggest fear is disappointing me.

Tough love for both of us.